2/12/12
People that are religious are often curious about the Lord's great heaven and some even sometimes wonder about (not wanting to see first hand of course) what the depths of hell are like. Although I do not know what the "afterlife" form of hell is, me and millions of others who suffer from numerous mental health diseases do. We know the depths of the darkness, the emptiness, the immense pain and sorrow that lingers each and every day without end. Quite frankly I'm exhausted, scared, angry, and sad. I hold so many emotions within me I dont even begin to know how to handle. Many people think I'm lazy, I crave attention, and it's all in my head, some may even think I truly dont want to get better. Anyone that has lived it knows that is FAR from truthful. I never have energy, I'm beyond exhaused after my battle of 15 years. I constantly want to die. I want to be at peace permanently and it seems suicide is the only guarantee to permanently get that. When I'm not thinking about suicide, I'm struggling with intense urges to cut. 1.) I feel better & a sense of calmness after doing it. 2.) I get to punish myself for all my flaws and failures, and sadly I feel I deserve it.
2/24/12
I had a good week this last week, seems like everything was going right, I got a new puppy, got unexpected finances due to errors in our utility bill for over a year and a new steady source of income, everything seemed to be going right and yes I felt a very brief feeling of Joy, I guess you would say, but it was only very brief and I was right back to the emptiness, sorrow, and pain before I could even blink... and noticing that is/was extremely devastating; now am I not only sad and angry about this but fearful; it fuels the feelings of hopelessness. But truth be told, I don't even know HOW to be happy or how to properly experience joy, how pathetic is that? I'm so misunderstood... see most would see this as pure selfishness and being totally ungrateful... is that what I've become? Where does it end? The questions I so desparately want answered are WHEN does it end? and HOW does end? I wish there were miraculous and fast answers to the many struggles. In the end I'll battle to the last ounce of strength I have left, but I'm staying alive for my loved ones, not myself
***IMPORTANT NOTE: This is my personal journal, and if you follow it will be a rollercoaster. I am not liable for any actions you take from reading any part of my blog including journal entries. Also please note I am regularly seeing a psychiatrist, and psychologist as well as doing DBT. I do not want anyone to self injure or turn to suicide because there is hope, if you are feeling intense urges to self injure or commit suicide please reachout to a trusted loved one first, or call 1800-273-TALK they are there 24/7 to support you!
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